if strangers(who deep our most are selves)touch: forever

telephone

mab148@pitt.edu — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 01:17:58 GMT

letters pile up reminding me of my change of address
i can hear laughter over the line
perhaps my spirit hasn't been totally crushed
i'll stay in one spot for hours at a time
or sleep away days when the pain is eating away
i might feel like crying, but i won't let the tears drop
i might feel alone, but i know who to call
i might not be home, but they'll always wait up for me

battered and broken, i've hit the bottom

mab148@pitt.edu — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 12:32:41 GMT

Last night was by far one of the worst nights I've had in a long time. I couldn't fall asleep and when I did get into bed I tossed and turned. I was hot and cold, my blankets made my skin itch, every little noise made me jump. I finally fell asleep for an hour, but now I have to get ready for class. I'm not sure if I was dreaming at all, but I feel like something terrible is going to happen today.

I know something terrible is going to happen today.

I had such an amazing time while I was at home. For the first time in the last few years I just really let go. I let myself have a truly good time. I was selfish and stupid. I spent too much money, I stayed up too late. I wasn't concerned with bills or college or health or anything. Just being in the moment. Being happy.

I know I'm being foolish. I did worry while I was at home, but I didn't feel like I do right now. I'm having flashbacks to spring of 2008. Nothing is going the way it should. I've applied for as many jobs as I can think of -- I can't find one. I've applied for financial aid and done all the paperwork and corrections -- I don't have any. I have a bill to Pitt right now for almost 8,000 dollars. I owe Jami $100 for house bills. My cellphone is going to get turned off within the next two months if I don't pay it. I'm at a loss as to how I can fix any of this. I did all the paperwork I was supposed to. I applied for the no-brainer jobs I see people without teeth working. I want to finish college. I don't want to take another semester or year off. I can't imagine being in Pittsburgh any longer. I hate it here. Especially right now. Fun parties and smoke and a chat isn't enough. I know though that this afternoon I'm going to go to financial aid and they're going to tell me I'm not eligible for any aid. That I can't file as an independent, that my mother and I made too much money last year. It doesn't matter that between my house bills and student loan payments that I had a disposable income of 100 dollars for the year. That I did without. That my mother is in so much debt that it doesn't really matter how much money she makes, it won't help. That all I want is to be in control of my life again. To be a college graduate. To be able to move on from this fucked up lifestyle.

I don't understand when things got like this again. I was doing so well. Or at least I had convinced myself that I was doing better. I feel like I'm going to be sick. Like I'm going to cry. Like I'm going to break something.

I'm bitter that I saw families dropping off freshmen in the quad. I'm bitter that people took vacations this summer. I'm bitter that people are in love. I'm bitter that I can't just make everything better.

I'm supposed to be the strong one. I've always somehow managed. I'm just so defeated...

I feel like I don't have a future.

mab148@pitt.edu — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:31:01 GMT

My loans should be through by Friday. The girls are having a 4th of July bash that's going to be awesome. I think my bills are pretty okay for this month. I'm moving to Rocky Road in a week or so. I might be failing my second summer class because I was sick and missed two of them already. Oh well. I love life anyway, even if I'm sick. Dexter's birthday was cute, I just ordered a bunch of food, and I'm going to curl up on my couch and watch Buffy. Because I can.

tra la la...

ridiculous

mab148@pitt.edu — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 22:26:10 GMT

Put this together for my dream wall. These are all of the things that stick in my mind from the last few years. Thanks Richard, now I can't stop thinking about my life...

Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you on this earth. Sometimes you catch them. They can be the hands of the people you love. They can be your pets- pups with funny names, cats with ferocious old souls. The thing that keeps you here can be your art. It can be things you have collected and invested with a certain sense of meaning. A flowered, buckled treasure chest of secrets. Shoes that make you taller and, therefore, closer to the heavens. A suit that belonged to your fairy godmother. A dress that makes you feel a little like the Goddess herself.

Sometimes you keep falling; you don't catch anything.

Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't.

Sometimes they catch you.
you were just a boy on a bed in a room, like a kaleidoscope is a tube full of bits of broken glass. but the way i saw you was pieces refracting the light, shifting into an infinite universe of flowers and rainbows and insects and planets, magical dividing cells, pictures no one else knew.
I can feel the faeries beckoning me into the peaceful poppyfields of sleep where boys never betray you or shoot at you and best friends tuck you in the folds of their wings until there is no difference between the two of you, and there is no sorrow and there is no pain.
il bel far niente
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing, than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance.

Tell me your story and I'll tell you mine; we'll put all our stories on a pretend stage and then we'll know who we are.
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin',
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest,
Where the people are many and their hands are all empty,
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters,
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison,
Where the executioner's face is always well hidden,
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten,
Where black is the color, where none is the number,
And I'll tell it and think it and speak it and breathe it,
And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it,
Then I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin',
But I'll know my song well before I start singin',
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.
We lose so much of who we are, by pretending to be what we're not; and so much of what we love, by not realizing that we do.
Love the girl who holds the world in a paper cup.
Drink it up, love her and she'll bring you luck.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new
Just because everything's different doesn't mean that everything's changed. Just because something ends doesn't mean it never should have been.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I wish the world was flat like the old days, then I could travel just by folding a map.
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways. There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

“Nobody here could live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer.” She said, “No one is alone the way you are alone,” and you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known. Something ties your life together, slender threads, things to treasure. Days like this could last and last, but you’ve already lost when you’ve only had barely enough to hang on.

You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget…

half moon hiding in the clouds, my darling
and the sky is flecked with signs of hope
raise your weary wings against the rain, my baby
wash your tangled curls with gamblers’ soap

mab148@pitt.edu — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 21:00:17 GMT

Right now, I have no money. I can't really even pay my bills. But I have good friends, strong drinks, and big dreams...

I also feel a little more like myself again. I have a summer class. I've gotten all perfects on my homework assignments. So many people in my class failed the midterm, so my grade went from being a 45 out of 47 to 45 out of 40. Hooray for overachieving.

Boy, I missed feeling driven.

i can hear the trumpets in the distance

mab148@pitt.edu — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 04:28:08 GMT

I was watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, worked on some homework, and now for the last hour have been watching some religious show. Joel Osteen Ministries. He's speaking on a stage to what looks like an arena. And it's infectious. I can't stop listening. His stories are inspiring, his words are powerful. I'm not saying I'm having a relgious conversion, but what he has been saying is beautiful.

This is the year of jubilee. God is accelerating things. What I thought would take 45 years, will happen in half the time. You will come through breakthroughs in your health. God is releasing what has your name on it. This is the year for God to happen. This is your year. Are you looking for his goodness? When I release my faith and expect his favors, that's when I see God enter my life and make changes. This is the year I want to do something great with my life. This is the year of freedom, restoration, breakthrough, release. Expect unusual things. This year. Our debts are cancelled. Great celebration.

Not something I would normally read into. I know I didn't get everything he said. But, it just grabbed me.

What the hell, jubilee. The free favor of God profusely abound. Debt to abundance, sickness to health, addictions to freedom, worry to peace, struggling to ease, defeat to total victory.

Here's to a day of sadness, homework, and deep conversations. I'm going to turn this off, and try to dream sweet dreams

mab148@pitt.edu — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:38:51 GMT

I owe the government 25000 dollars. Plus more, but it makes me sick to think about it. I sat down and started scheduling all my payment, pulling out my hair, and making an appointment to do my taxes. I NEED to do my taxes so I can do my financial aid, so I can go back to school and owe EVEN MORE MONEY. What the hell. I was thinking about deferring all of my loans so I can have a life for the next few months, but who am I kidding, even if I get my degree I still won't be making any money. It makes me sick to think, I had just about my first two years of tuition paid for by scholarships...otherwise I'd be owing TWENTY THOUSAND MORE.

Maybe I'll meet a sugardaddy.

Besides that, all is well. I think. I'm confused about a lot and nothing will ever change that. I miss my friends from home. I miss talking to certain people who don't talk to me anymore. I want to make more money at Panera (I won't), and I NEED a place to live for the fall.

If I keep stressing, I'm just going to go insane. Oh well...

mab148@pitt.edu — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 01:41:40 GMT

I'm so sick. I just want someone to bring me soup, play with my hair, and tell me stories.

Blah, tylenol pm and an opening shift tomorrow is what I get instead.

Gross.

mab148@pitt.edu — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 06:05:32 GMT

Fact: I have the most amazing friends in the world.

Fact: I miss them terribly already.

Fact: I'm lonely in Pittsburgh.

mab148@pitt.edu — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 23:44:13 GMT

I started this with so much to say.

I've gone blank.

mab148@pitt.edu — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:51:48 GMT

I drank like a gallon of water and two coffees today. I can't stop peeing.

Seriously.

My bladder is so confused.

Hydration sucks.

mab148@pitt.edu — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 04:56:15 GMT

limbo.

I'm waiting on some information to be mailed to me about potential schools. I'm also looking for cheap living in the Pittsburgh/Philly/or goddamn just somewhere new. I'm not sure what I'm really doing.

I like it.

Who wants to travel with me? We'll sing tra la la and leave our worries on postcards to no one.

mab148@pitt.edu — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 00:57:12 GMT

Doesn't feel like a new year, doesn't feel like a weekend.

I'm exhausted from the week, I'm not even sure if I'm fully awake right now. I just can't stop sleeping. I drank some coffee, hopefully I'll do something fun tonight. I was going to the movies, but I didn't want to spend the money. I edited some of Lyss's pictures from Meg's birthday and New Year's Eve so I'm excited to post those.

Ramble ramble.

Obviously my sleeping habits have kept me from actually reflecting on the last year. I'm not so sure I want to. So many ups and downs, and a lot of other shit I'm not prepared to come to terms with. Another day...

mab148@pitt.edu — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 09:43:07 GMT

Black ice sucks. My pants are soaked. Panera sucks on Christmas.

Roast beast and pumpkin pie with TURKEY HILL ICE CREAM later.

I miss home.

mab148@pitt.edu — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 02:16:12 GMT

I've been sleeping for hours and hours the last two weeks. I don't know if I'm getting sick, or if my body is just tired of waking up at the ass crack of dawn everyday, but damn I sleep a lot. I only woke up because I desperately needed food. I ate "lunch" at work at nine thirty this morning...and had peanut butter m&ms for dinner. Whoops.

I had planned on having a buffy night with Kristin, instead I slept. Now she's watching a movie with Julia. And I missed the beginning.

Blah.

Time to make chicken nugs & some tots.

mab148@pitt.edu — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 21:38:22 GMT

Christmas shopping and baking cookies!! I'm determined to make this a good Christmas even though I'm not in the valley.

look back

mab148@pitt.edu — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 01:19:50 GMT

October 2006

I see how I treated you, deep down I know why.

It’s so much easier for me to hurt you now. I don't
want to wake up one morning and find you gone. I don't
want to let you hurt me. I never promised you
anything, but I’m sorry if I made you believe. I don't
make dreams come true.

I really like when you pretend you care about the
silly things I have to say. I know you couldn't care
less about the papers I have to write, or the classes
I’m taking. you aren't even in school. But I’ll tell
you because it makes me feel like what I’m doing
everyday has a purpose. Like this is what really makes
me happy.

I still don't know. What is being happy?

I feel like I haven't been happy -- really honestly
can't stop smiling want to sing and dance and tell
everyone happy -- ever. Like I was so young the last
time I wasn't worrying about SOMETHING, about anything,
that I can't even remember it.

Maybe I’m just expecting too much. Like this life I
lead, like someday something will happen that will
fill my heart so much inside I’ll practically burst.
then everything will be fine again.

I look at myself in the mirror. I see two tired blue
eyes, with red vessels attacking the pure white. I see
scars. Chicken pox and lip ring. That lip ring made me
feel powerful, like I had something stronger inside
than I thought, that I could handle any pain I ever
felt. Then I took it out, and you helped me. You
helped me take away my power. What else do I see?
Eyebrows that are never exactly perfect, red marks and
freckles and round cheeks. Do I look innocent? Maybe
if I tilt my head this way, or smile just so. Change
the lighting, add more makeup. Cover-up who I really
am, cover up what I’m really feeling.

What do I feel? Something warm is heating up my chest.
It’s rising from my ribcage up into my throat. My
heart beats just a little faster than it should. Maybe
it's slower. My side hurts, like something inside is
throbbing so hard it's going to break out. I breathe a
little softer, it hurts to raise my chest too far.

With too much circulating inside, I forget what I feel
isn't always so. I’m tired because I look tired. My
leg hurts so I need sleep. I don't know how to get
past my body's signals. I tell myself to study, but I
stay in the same spot on the floor for hours. I make
useless phone calls and smoke too much. I make my body
feel worse and ignore my mind each time a little more.
Do I ignore my heart?

I keep thinking I should go talk to someone about
this. Like when I tell my friends how I feel they will
never understand. Writing stories makes it even harder
to let it out. Like if I actually put down in type
what has happened, I’ll really know how I felt, I’ll
really know my motives. I want to think of myself as
an innocent, but I know I’m the first to sin. Always.
I will continue to do wrong and alienate myself from
people because being alone is what I deserve. Is that
really what I think? I don't even know anymore.

===================================================

Will I ever learn anything? This was something I wrote a long time ago and never posted.

==================================================

She said out of pity for him, "I shall give you a kiss if you like," but though he once knew, he had long forgotten what kisses are, and he replied, "Thank you," and held out his hand, thinking she had offered to put something into it. This was a great shock to her, but she felt she could not explain without shaming him, so with charming delicacy she gave Peter a thimble which happened to be in her pocket, and pretended that it was a kiss. == from Peter and Wendy by J.M. Barrie

I think I used to be naive.

mab148@pitt.edu — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:48:44 GMT

Am I okay?

i'm broke, it must be a day that ends with y.

mab148@pitt.edu — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 08:53:49 GMT

Guess I'm not going to sleep again...cool.

I hate staying up like this because I wind up making ridiculous lists that make me feel like crap.

No really, look:

Bills for March:

AE - $20
Cellphone - $90
Capital One - $22 (but I should pay $50)
Security Deposit - $300
Current Rent - $420
Cable/Internet - $90
and, for when I was completely broke: $100 to my friends who fed me and aided my alcoholism...
which adds up to a whopping sum of $1070

Awesome.

If I don't find someone to sublet my apartment for the summer, I also have this beautiful figure destroying any hope I had for silver lining: $3000. That's just what my rent, cable/internet, and cell phone would cost me to live in Pittsburgh from April to August. No food, alcohol, clothes, cigarettes.

Let's look at this a little more closely:

I just took out a loan for $3000. Minus the money I've basically spent without actually HAVING the loan yet this month, that leaves $1930 to squander away on luxuries like a place to sleep. That means I will still need to make $1070 to just LIVE in Pittsburgh. Screw going to the beach or to Future's wedding in Chicago, I won't even be able to go to the movies or for ice cream.

Okay, so I know I'm going to be royally fucked this summer. How can I change this?

Shitty ass minimum wage job for 40 hours a week from May 1-August 20 would give me about 17 weeks of working. So at $7.15/hour for 40 hours/week for 17 weeks I have the potential to make around $4000. I should use any extra to pay off my credit card, and then spend the rest of my time hiding in the dark so I have some money saved for my house. But I won't. In fact, I'll probably easily spend a disgusting amount on booze, cigarettes, and take-out to the point that come the end of August, I'll be crying because I can't pay my bills again. But I mean, it can be done. I can somehow make this whole apartment thing work. Or, someone could really want to live with me in Pittsburgh for the summer, shave a couple hundred off my rent, and enjoy my entire lack of privacy. Or someone could sublet my place and I can go home and not have to worry about any of these things (except the cell phone) and just eat all of Tia's food. Yep. I like that the best.

So now that I'm not entirely panicked, although I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to make this all work...

I'm going to say some prayers before I go to bed that financial aid will be depositing $3000 in my bank account tomorrow morning. Doubtful, but a girl can dream right?

mab148@pitt.edu — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 20:34:18 GMT

thanks mom. all you had to do was answer your phone or call me back. awesome.

i think i'm going to drop out of college and run away. and never come back. ever.

this is all too much.

mab148@pitt.edu — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:55:57 GMT

i have a valentine, but he's far away. me and the girls are going out for martinis instead.

killer insomnia

mab148@pitt.edu — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 09:13:48 GMT

I got some work done tonight, but I have so much more to do. I spent a really long time on an assignment that probably doesn't even matter. I wrote three sentences for the one before this and still got a 5/5. Ridiculous. My sleep schedule is still really messed up. I keep staying up until all hours of the night/morning, and then I can't wake up until later in the afternoon. Then my day is only half over when it's time to go to bed again, and all of a sudden it's 4, or 5, or even 6 am and I'm still awake. And still not tired.

I made healthy food to eat tomorrow, and I did a pretty good job today. Except that I didn't get out of bed until 3:30 this afternoon. Damn.

My landlord is coming to show our apartment tomorrow and you can't see my bedroom floor. The outer edges of the room have piles of sorted, dirty clothes just waiting to be washed. And piles of books and papers. Lots of them. Then instead of trying to carry my laundry basket down the street, I used my suitcase(which was a great idea), except that now it's open and taking up the entire middle of my room. And clothes are spilling out onto the floor. And there's barely a path to walk through. But I really wanted to watch House tonight, so I did that instead of putting my clothes away. Annnd I have a slight addiction to veganyumyum, which is strange. I'm not vegan, I don't think I could ever do it. But all the food looks so good, and all the explanations are awesome. I can't stop myself.

I should really go to bed...

mab148@pitt.edu — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 00:31:52 GMT

I think this semester is going to be a lot better than last. I had a good night last night with Mel and Joel, then went to Kristin's and we were bums like usual. We were pretty productive in class, and I worked out how I'm going to do my one group project before next Wednesday so it won't be the Monday before the presentation and I'm freaking out. I have a quiz tomorrow, but I have the book, so I'm going to make some coffee and get all my stuff done. Friday is going to be a long day of school work, so I definitely have to try to wake up at a decent time. Annnnd I went to the gym today with Kristin. I'm pretty rusty, I can't remember half of what I used to like to do, but I'm working on it. We're going to try to make it something we do regularly -- maybe that will help keep me sane. Whenever I was frustrated or upset or stressed I would work out, and I think I've really been missing the feeling. This is sort of sick, but whatever.

You push and push and push. You're climbing and climbing, but never getting anywhere. No matter what is going on in your life, you just keep going. Due dates, presentations, fights, debt -- it's just you and your body. You stretch and pull and the sweat drips from your brow. Your arms feel like they're going to fall off, you might be a little lightheaded, you might even feel sick. But it's just you and your body. Weights and machines, music is playing in your ear but your mind can't concentrate because of the pain. The best pain in the world. Rewarding pain. Pain that wakes you from your sleep, that makes it hard to walk up stairs, that makes your stomach flatter, your muscles stronger, your skin healthier and glowing. You work because you have to. You need to. You can't sleep without it, and suddenly you realize why you haven't been able to sleep lately. You are tougher because you are in control. You want to lose weight, so you do it. You want to lift ten more pounds, so you do it. You want to run until your lungs feel like they're going to collapse or explode, so you do it. No one can stop you but yourself, and you love it. You have to.

Hopefully, I'll remember this on the days when I don't want to go because of some ridiculous excuse I'm trying to justify in my head. Or on those days when I think, "It's okay if I eat this cheeseburger, because later I'll go to the gym. But instead of going to the gym, I eat a cake" awesome.

cans lined up like tin soldiers to melt for their lovely drunken ballerinas

mab148@pitt.edu — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 08:37:05 GMT

i took a shower and shaved my legs
i put on my favorite lotion so i can smell like lavender even if i sweat
i dried my hair super straight, and dressed in lace
then i remembered you aren't coming home to me tonight

my bed seems so big for such a small twin
i think we fit perfectly together
will you be the corner to my curvy edge?

my comforter is washed and dried, i'll press my sheets with little starch
we can climb into a cloud of april fresh and snuggle soft
or maybe the feathers will break our fall after i jump into your arms and pull you down

my nails have gotten longer, my hair is darker too
i can pretend i'm an exotic dancer for one night only
i'll shake and shimmy and bat my eyelashes your way

but then i'll probably laugh and you'll smile and motion machine gun at my hips

i wonder what your haircut looks like
i bet we'll be the best looking couple in town
every girl will want to be me, to smile and giggle and hold hands with you
and every guy will shake your hand and say

man, i heard this one's trouble

but i'm only trouble if you want me to be
and right now i think you only want to see me
and i hope you want to kiss me
and i know that you love me
and that no matter what, we can go to bed happy

especially when we dream about passing trees, river banks, and backseats.

sanguine

mab148@pitt.edu — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 07:27:32 GMT

familiar feelings of dread and piles and piles of papers
i can see the words, but i've forgotten their meanings
day and night blends into an icy slush of snowflakes and warm tears
i remember you being here with me, but it seems so far away

toss and turn and try to shut my eyes
i'm supposed to be sleeping, so i can wake up to your voice
take one tablet twice a day for ten days
this medicine won't help me breathe -- my oxygen has become you

i saw what you wrote once
but i wonder, will you remember to call, or will we be strangers again?
did you ever think long drives and singalongs could become
frantic kisses and parked cars?

dreams of a not so far away future
movies with our best friends
confessions of fears and mistakes
a new slate to create security

faith that distance is only as far as we believe it exists
weekends we can make last forever
beginning 2008 with a blur of spilled champagne
and saturdays in bed making warm bodies one

i think what i'm trying to say, is that i love you.
now i'll try to get back to sleep,
and in my dreams you'll pick me up from the bus stop,
and i'll throw all my papers out the window